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Growing up I always dreamed of having kids, I thought of what I would teach them and the games we would play together. I think subconsciously every little girl dreams of this mainly because we tend to be very nurturing even towards our own baby dolls. But I never thought of how difficult and heart breaking having a baby could be. Now I know the word itself is a bit confusing, why would it be heart breaking to have children Well I have learned that in the short six weeks I've had my little one with me.
First of all let me start by telling you that I was not one of many women that married and had children right away, I was young and my husband and I had planned on when it would be a good time to start a family. Well seven years down the road we finally had "the conversation" and decided to start a family. The rest is history.... or so I thought, little did I know how unprepared I was emotionally and physically. Pregnancy was not a breeze, I had a painful first trimester with the worst morning sickness possible. The second trimester was no breeze as I started to have issues with my back and knees. The third trimester was the Cherie on top of the ice cream as I experienced the worst jabbing sensations from my little ones head on my pelvic area.
Fast forward to my induction day as I was a week late from my delivery due date, we were blessed on Thanksgiving with a beautiful healthy 7 lb baby measuring 21 cm. Let me tell you that at that point the pain and suffering does disappear of course until recovery hits you dead on the face. The first night of having my little one I struggled with diaper changing, feeding ( mind you I decided to breast feed exclusively with zero knowledge as to how exactly this whole feeding thing worked). Sleeping was and still is a nightmare and I can't even began to tell you how emotionally exhausted you are.
I delivered him naturally and if you've been through it you know how scary it is to even pee, I was a mess to say the least. I did however had the support from my loving husband and family, but honestly none of that prepared me for the fear that I felt dawn on me that first night I had him. Suddenly I became this raging mama bear that was ready to attack anyone that made him cry or even looked at him funny. I had no clue how to control it I literally had anxiety attacks every time the nurse came in to run tests on him or if someone was holding him other than my husband. I couldn't bare seeing my little one the little person I had just delivered in the most painful way was not happy.
Every time we had visitors I was in full panic mode, did they wash their hands? are they sick? did they cough and not cover their mouth? did they wash their hands with soap or just rinsed? I also did not like not being able to comfort him if someone was holding him. I sometimes wished I would have said something like "if the baby cries please do me a favor and bring him to me". I know this may sound too bossy but honestly I'm the mother the one that comforts him and as a new mother it is very important to prove to yourself that you are up to the challenge.
Many days and nights passed where I found myself in full training mode, I learned to feed him the right time. I learned his cries and what each one meant, I also learned that my little one does not like being carried all the time he really does enjoy being able to lay and stretch. I set routines and rules mainly because it is my job as the mother to look after him, because after all the fear that I now was experiencing came from no longer having the control of protecting him. He had been inside me this entire time and I was in control of everything that when he was born all of a sudden that was not the case.
Learning to parent is truly as many say "they don't make books on this" and "no one taught me to parent". While that is not the case, now a days there is a book for just about anything and I'm positive that we learn to parent from those that raise us. It may not always be what you are looking for, I want my kiddo to learn respect the way I teach it, I want him to be independent but still look up to his parents when need be. But most of all I would like the opportunity to do this on my own, as supposed to follow what others tell me. I have learned that the greatest gift I can provide myself is to follow my instinct, it has guided me and rewarded me with what I now can provide my little one.
Becoming a parent has taught me so much about myself and will power that I now have the confidence of following my own lead.